It's a Fixer-Upper: Can HIMYM Be Saved?

The other day two of my favorite bloggers, the Fug Girls, declared that Jason Segel's suggestions for how to end How I Met Your Mother (see this GQ profile) made them fall in love with him all over again.

I must admit that I'm intrigued by his suggestions, especially the dark idea that the stories are memories of a mother who has passed away. I love that a sad ending could retroactively color the entire story arc.

But of course that would be more effective if there were an actual story arc. The truth is, while the first two seasons of How I Met Your Mother remain some of the best sitcom episodes I've ever seen, the show has declined steadily in the past three. I appreciate that Segel, for one, will work the rest of his contract (until 2013) if need be, but most of the time I feel like this is a show that has overstayed its welcome, its premise, and the creativity of its writers.

Or then again, maybe it just needs a facelift. Here are some suggestions for how the once-great television series might revive itself:

It's Opposite Day!

Hollywood loves a cliche.

And don't get me wrong -- I do too. Give me a well-executed predictable story any day over an experimental mind-fuck. The Romeo and Juliet, the Cyrano de Bergerac, the Opposites Attract ... all of them can be twisted in boundless entertaining ways.

But here's one that, in my opinion, sorely lacks variety: the Ugly Duckling.

Hollywood loves to tell the story of a physically unattractive, somewhat socially inept Everyman whose innate goodness, smarts, or sense of humor somehow win the love of a physically (and usually in every other way) perfect specimen of the opposite sex. The problem is that the average Joe is always a guy.


I love me some Judd Apatow, but even he lacks imagination when it comes to the ladies. The only ordinary-looking women in his movies are in supporting parts, like Charlyne Yi's naked stoner in Knocked Up or the oversexed Jane Lynch in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Clearly he can appreciate female comedic talent. So why can't he write a feature around a unique comedienne the way he has around his schlubby male proteges?

Keep the Character, Ditch the Show: Spinoffs We Would Have Watched

Every so often a show makes enough of an impact that, towards the end of its lifespan, its creators - and let's not forget those helpful network execs - decide to prolong the party by shooting a spinoff. There are the classics-in-their-own-right (Laverne & Shirley, Frasier); the adequate younger siblings (Angel springs to mind); and the downright dreck (ahem, Joey, I'm looking at you).

In order to succeed, a spinoff needs its own premise -- something that engages the loyal carryover audience and draws in new viewers. It needs energy; you can't stick a set of writers and actors who are tired of the same old shtick into a new show and expect them to breathe life into, well, the same old shtick. But most of all it needs compelling characters.
Without one or more of the most interesting characters from the original series - those who routinely steal the scenes, elevate material that's far beneath them, and make the audience keep watching as the quality of the show declines - a spinoff can't succeed. Here are just a few characters I find absorbing enough to imagine an entire show around.

May I Suggest An Intervention? Jason Segel Edition

Well, it's Thursday, which at my office we like to call Snarky Thursday. So brace yourselves.

It's no secret that I am a Jason Segel fan. I've loved him since I first saw him walk the fine, fine line between sweet and creepy on Undeclared (since, of course, like everyone else, I managed to miss Freaks and Geeks during its actual television tenure). I've rejoiced in his success of the past few years, as his excellent work on How I Met Your Mother and his membership in the golden Judd Apatow League has paid off.

However, it must be said that with great celebrity comes great responsibility. And we the fans can't remain silent in our concern when someone as talented as Segel starts to go off the rails. And oh, Jason, honey, your fans expect better from you.

Exhibit A: Jason in his young, unsuccessful days toiling in obscurity on Freaks and Geeks.


Cute, right? So young! So curly-headed! So clean-cut! (Particularly when you consider he's playing a perpetual stoner, and that according to his interviews - and Seth Rogen's - none of those guys were exactly unfamiliar with that lifestyle).


Exhibit B: The early days of How I Met Your Mother.

OK, he's gained some weight, but I think he wears it well. He looks more mature, right? He's got shorter hair, maybe a little more product, but still with the boy-next-door appeal in a 6'4" man. Plus he's playing Marshall Eriksen, who is in fact my favorite Segel character -- a lot of endearing goofiness, a bit of swagger, and a few healthy dashes of crazy, with a nice balance overall. Believable, attractive, but still hilarious.

Say it with me: Awwwww. Don't you want to take him home?

NO. No, you do not. Trust me. Even if you didn't read the incredibly disturbing Rolling Stone profile awhile back in which he mentions both his mansion full of puppets and his night terrors, and also in which Russell freaking Brand describes him as a manwhore, I give you:

I Don't Like How You Say With Your Face All Scrunched Up: You're French, Aren't You?

We at the Hollywood Suggestion Box are language nerds. We're almost indecently prejudiced in favor of actors with adorable foreign accents. We believe it to be a sin when an actor with a perfectly lovely Scottish accent, for instance, acts only in American accents. (This is of course no issue for the wonderful Ewan MacGregor, who has a long tradition of playing inexplicably Scottish characters in otherwise run-of-the-mill American settings. Scottish janitor? Check. Jumpy Scottish convenience store robber? Check. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera ...)

Read Me A Story, You Guys

I've been hearing a familiar voice on TV a lot lately.


Jon Hamm, he of Mad Men (and several unforgettable 30 Rock spots) is narrating commercials for both Mercedes-Benz and Comcast. I'm not likely to buy from either company any time soon, but I think Hamm's character Don Draper would approve of the ads anyway because a) I listen to them every time they come on, b) I can remember the products they're selling (generally, anyway - at least I get the brands right), and c) Hamm's voice makes me think "Ooh, sexy," and I'm sure on some subconscious level that I'll be associating that with the products. Well done, faceless advertising execs.

Adapt This Author: Meg Cabot

To tell the truth, my favorite books are all found in the children's and young adult sections of the library. J.K. Rowling, L.M. Montgomery, Roald Dahl, Madeleine L'Engle: the list goes on and on. Even now I'm still finding children's and young adult authors to love. One of my favorite discoveries from the last few years is Meg Cabot.

Cabot is best known for her young adult series The Princess Diaries, which follows a funny, engaging, insecure teenager in New York who discovers that she is actually the princess of a small principality in Europe. Despite the fairy-tale nature of the conceit, the books are down-to-earth and the characters relatable and real.

I've read a smattering of her young adult books and nearly all of her adult novels since I first found The Princess Diaries, and I've enjoyed every one. Cabot's characters are universally charming, and she writes adult romantic comedy as well as teenage fantasy.

Guest Who?

As someone whose Netflix queue is 95% television, I spend plenty of time thinking about ways to make my favorite shows even better. I'm almost always far more interested in character development than any other aspect of a TV program. I'll keep watching long after the plot has gone off the rails so long as my favorite characters remain consistent -- and consistently entertaining.
Case in point: I sat through the entire second season of Heroes, which was one of the worst sophomore slumps I've ever seen, solely because of Zachary Quinto's gleeful, hammy psychopath Sylar. On the other hand, I've pretty much sworn off How I Met Your Mother, formerly one of my favorite shows, because of the way its writers have destroyed characters' continuity and likeability in the last few seasons.

A crucial factor in the success or failure of a show's character development is the integration of its guest stars. Some shows get it right (The Big Bang Theory comes to mind, with Wil Wheaton playing himself as a hilarious nemesis for Sheldon) and some, well, don't (ahem, How I Met Your Mother, with stunt casting choices like a wooden Britney Spears). Famous guest stars draw ratings; they can also draw the audience out of a necessary suspension of disbelief. But if it's done right, the guest star fits into the cast perfectly (Jon Hamm on 30 Rock, anyone?) and makes you wish the role were permanent.

Reunion Request: Paul Rudd & Alicia Silverstone

"Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road."
"I am! You try driving in platforms."


Clueless is the gold standard for several genres: teen romantic comedy, subtle Jane Austen adaptation, instant '90s nostalgia-maker ....

While I enjoy every part of the movie, from Tai sobbing over "El-Uhn" to Travis Birkenstock trying to jump out of a first-floor window after receiving his failing grade, it was undeniably the romance between Cher and Josh that first drew me in.

Steal This Actor: Jason Dohring

I'll be honest: I hadn't intended to watch Lie to Me on Monday. After watching an episode of the show earlier this year, I found the cases of international lying-liar expert Cal Lightman to be inoffensive, but generally uncompelling. Since we're in the summer tv doldrums, though, I left it on the other night, where it was working primarily as a dispenser of white noise. And then I heard a familiar voice.

"Hey," I thought. "I recognize that obligatory psychotic jackass."

Get This Man An Emmy: Zach Gilford

For those of us who have watched and loved the last three seasons of Friday Night Lights, it's been incredibly frustrating to watch the Television Academy snub the show and its superlative writing, acting and directing time after time. Connie Britten and Kyle Chandler, as well as supporting cast members like Taylor Kitsch and minor players like Brad Leland and Louanne Stephens, are so naturalistic that I sometimes think that the Academy voters must be confused and mistake the show for a documentary. Like The Wire, it's too good for its own good.

Brilliant But Canceled

"It's a shame that we'll never know
The conclusion to our favourite shows
We will never know the outcome
Of those fanciful lives on TV..."
--Asthmaboy, "Down to the Puget Sound"

In no particular order, the top five shows I'd travel back in time to prolong if Hollywood were my oyster:

1. Freaks and Geeks (1999 - 2000)
This now-legendary period piece created by Paul Feig and Judd Apatow is a punch-you-in-the-gut realistic look at high schoolers on the fringe. It may be
set in 1980s Michigan, but the show itself feels universal. My personal favorite characters are the perennially hopeful-yet-dopey Nick Andopolis (mostly thanks to Jason Segel's absolute fearlessness in creating cringeworthy comedic moments); sweet, unguarded Sam Weir, who despite his lack of social confidence is a natural leader among his friends; and above all, perhaps the most heartbreakingly realistic geek ever seen on television, Bill Haverchuck. Ever since I first saw the show I've followed the careers of its stars, and I cheer as if for an old friend or family member every time a Freaks and Geeks alum pops up on television or the big screen.

2. Undeclared (2001 - 2002)
Another failed Apatow production, this half-hour comedy lasted less than a season. I was one of very few people who happened to catch the show as it aired, and it actually led me to watch Freaks and Geeks on DVD later on. I
was in college at the time, and what drew me in as a fan of Undeclared was
the realism. Seth Rogen, a star and writer of the show, got all the details right, from Jay Baruchel's Snood tee-shirt to the awkwardness of being sexiled by a roommate. This was no musty middle-aged interpretation of life for my generation.

Like Fantasy Moguls, But Geekier

So awhile back I remember reading about this game called Fantasy Moguls. The gimmick was that it was a sort of movie lovers' fantasy baseball, except with movie studios rather than ball clubs. You could be the head of a fantasy movie studio, and given a "budget," you could slate actual movies for your studio. As in baseball, the object, of course, was to win; and winning this game depended on your skill at predicting box-office success.

The first time I heard about Fantasy Moguls I had the knee-jerk reaction that I would love it. My best friends are all people with whom I can hold forth for hours about books, television and movies, and actors' names and filmographies take up space in my brain the way that batting averages occupy some. As I read the game's description, however, my thoughts moved from these are my people to wait, how is this different from, well, fantasy investment bankers?

See, in sports, though some players end up inevitably disappointing the managers, owners, coaches and fans, most of the time it's pretty easy to judge success objectively. Most baseball stars are famous because they're incredibly talented, and that makes them fun to watch. If they remain healthy and whole, you can count on them sticking around for a long time. Ticket sales are almost always linked to the ability of the players.

Box office profits are not. After all, the number one movie this past year was entirely CGI and, as I understand it, had almost no plot and a mostly forgettable cast. Exciting videogame visuals apparently go a long way in hypnotizing the public, and the unfortunate result is that we're looking at years and years of headaches caused by 3D glasses.

Perhaps my way of looking at things is overly feminine -- a non-competitive, let's-all-play-cooperatively spin on the fantasy of controlling pop culture -- but I think the real fun lies in the what-ifs inspired by our subjective opinions. Who's your dream team for a film version of your favorite book? Which actors are naturals to play relatives but have, for whatever reason, never met? Which television shows would you bring back if you could, or cut shorter even if you loved them to begin with? In whose personal lives do you wish you could play God?

Enter the Hollywood Suggestion Box.